And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me
by overtheloveofyou
Summary: I lost you once to the black waters of a lake and I lost you again to the devil.


Dean's holding onto him and he'll never let him go, never again.

A flash of blue and he's gone.

Dean's holding him and he'll never let him go. It hurts, oh it _hurts _but he has to be the one to do it. For everything he's done and everything he's destroyed, he deserves to be here. He doesn't deserve to be saved. Not by Dean, not from here. Not from the man he saved, destroyed and **_betrayed._**

He lets go.

He'll never forget the look on Dean's face when he lets go.

_I'm so sorry._

_But it doesn't change anything, it will never change a damn thing._

He remembers the pain, the heat, the blood. The never ending fighting with things that wanted his blood with a vengeance. He runs, he hides, he fights and he _yearns. _He yearns for the sound of his name, the way Dean says Cas and how it sounds like a promise and prayer.

He wants to hear prayers whispered into the night sky, prayers for him and only for him. For him to stay safe, for him to come back.

He wakes up in the middle of nowhere and walks. He walks until he sees a flash of black, until he hears the rumble of something familiar. His heart in his throat, he reaches out and thinks _Dean._

* * *

I'm holding onto him and I'll never let him go, never again.

A flash of blue and I'm gone.

He'll never forget the look on Cas's face as he is yanked into something, something he has no chance of controlling.

He screams Cas, his name dying on his lips, the breath leaving his lungs. He can't breathe he can't breathe and

He wakes.

He finds Sam again and he feels betrayed. By own brother.

_Why didn't you look for me, Sammy. After everything that I've done for you, after everything I've given up for you, after everything why didn't you even try._

**_Because I had nothing, and no one. You were everything I had, Dean. Everything. And you were gone. What was I supposed to do?_**

He sleeps, he hunts and he eats. He fights with Sam, much like before but not like before. He wants to say _bitch_, he wants to say _idjit_, it's almost there but he can't say the words.

He wonders when everything got so messed up when Benny meets Sam.

Benny, the _vampire _he trusts versus his blood and flesh brother, the one he carried out of a burning house all those years ago.

But Benny once saved someone he loved, and for that, Dean Winchester would die for him.

He misses him so much.

_Why didn't you try harder. Why didn't I try harder. Why did I let you go Cas. How could I let you go. Again. I lost you once to the black waters of a lake and I lost you again to the devil. And now I've lost you to a place I never knew existed. _

_I let everyone down, everyone I loved. I let you down too._

_Did you know that I still pray to you, every night._

_Can you hear me, Cas? I hope you can hear me._

He's driving along a long stretch of road, nothing and everything on his mind and he sees something out of the corner of his eye.

His heart leaps and he stops.

He gets out and his heart drops again.

_Don't be stupid Dean, why would he be here. _

He thinks he sees him again but he's wrong. (A flash of thunder, and the shadow of something familiar and the whisper of wings)

He turns and sees Cas. He almost reaches out, wanting to touch him. He doesn't know what's real and what isn't anymore, and he needs to feel flesh and bone under his fingers so that he knows it's him.

And Sam says Cas and the spell is broken.

You look at him and you think _mine. _You look at him and you know that you can look at him forever, this man tired, bleary-eyed and scruffy.

_I'm dirty_.

_Purgatory'll do that to you_.

He comes out looking so much like the soldier you once knew. Your breath stops and you shift. He is everything you want and everything you'll never have. He deserves much better than you, you think, even as you smile softly at Sam. Sam who looks at you and just **knows.**

You hate yourself for it but you need to know **how. How how how when you failed him, when you let him go. When he let go. It's a jumble in your mind but you want to know how.**

But not now. There'll be time for that later. You feel the familiar weight of the dagger in your hand, as you run with Sam and Cas towards the unknown. This feels safe, this feels familiar because you know how to do this. The hunt is _on_.

* * *

You see him stumble and you panic.

Not again, no I'll not lose you again. You want to know if he's still here so you reach out and grip his shoulder. He looks at you knowingly and you just don't care anymore.

You run with him and it feels familiar, the blood pounding in your ear, the weight of your weapon in your hand, his presence beside you.

You panic when you hear the flutter of wings and you spin, his name half formed on your lips and he's gone. You swear _shitdamnfuck _and you double your efforts.

You burst into the room to see his wings (_beautifulgorgeousstunning), _a flash of light and you can see nothing but you run towards where he last stood.

You see him on the floor, and whisper a thank you even as you hold on too tightly for a moment, just for an extra second but he notices anyway. You pretend not to see his look and turn towards Kevin.

* * *

You slam the trunk shut and turn to glare at him. He looks at you and it's unnerving, that piercing stare. You hear what he says and your heart stops for a beat. He looks at you, and he says look at it, really look at it and you close your eyes.

_I'm holding onto him and I'll never let him go, never again._

He lets go, he screams your name and he pushes you away.

You want to grab him, shake him and demand _why. Can't you see how much I __needed __need you? I need you beside me, alive and whole. _

Because I didn't want to be saved. He hears echoes from the past, and he hears _you don't think you deserve to be saved._

Oh Cas. What have we become, what have I done.

He tells you, you can't save everyone.

_No, no I can't but I wanted to save Sammy and I wanted to save you. And I couldn't. _

He walks away from you (_he's always walking away from you)_ and your hands reach out almost of their own accord and you want to pull him back.

You watch him walk away and you think _mine._


End file.
